It is early in the morning and I sit in meditation, trying to find the elusive heart. Like clouds of fog, thoughts move by, shrouding my search.
I sit still. I wonder, why does it seem so difficult to get to the core of our being, the heart of the matter, to find the place in us we all hunger for, whether we know it or not?
The heart is covered. Feelings hide it, indistinct-like moving shadows before sunrise. A sense of insecurity sits somewhere, like a single crow calling into an empty space, hearing only its echo respond.
Then I sense it. There is a trail of compassion here. It is a still and small sympathy I have with my not-knowing, my not-finding, my sense of being lost. Gratefully I pick up this path and follow it for a while.
Still I cannot feel the heart. Still I feel lost in the moving distractions of the mind and the senses: a desire pulls me this way, a subtle fear that way, a confusion hovers like an unanswered question. It hides from me what I am.
It hides the place of aliveness; the fundamental peace I know is there, somewhere, behind the fog.
And the path appears again, this subtle compassion with myself, telling me, “It’s okay to be lost, for that is the root of finding yourself. It’s okay to taste once more the wine of obstructions that seemed to have gone a long time ago. It is okay to be however you are in this moment.”
I find I can embrace it all in this compassion with my insufficiency, my distractedness, my lack of stillness and focus. This embracing, this basic compassion for whatever arises, this holding still even while the mind quivers in discontent—it dissolves it all.
It dissolves the self-doubt; it dissolves the barriers around the heart; it dissolves the shadows that hide in the corners of lifetimes. Not for long. Not for long.
The sunrise is an inevitability. Even if it’s still dark, can you just hold still? Can you trust that somewhere, deep inside you, is your heart waiting? Can you let yourself know the depth in you the mind cannot see when it is embroiled in the force of the past?
Can you embrace yourself in the subtle compassion that arises like the sweet fragrance of night-blooming jasmine from the heart that you cannot yet feel?
This heart has forever watched over you. And it will not abandon you. It cannot, for it is you. It is you, waiting for you, waiting for you to bloom in the full sunshine of day.
The dawn is here. Courage arises with it. The waiting, the single focus of caring while you stir the embers of the heart, that is the strength of a warrior.
It starts small. But give it time and it will change the world.
and the Skills for Awakening team
Tags: compassion, emotions, feelings, grace, gratitude, Here and Now, inner peace, Love, meditation, open heart, overcoming fear, Ram Giri, sadhana, self-doubt, spiritual awakening, stillness, warrior within, wisdom