How to Rise Above the Pain of Attachment to Find Love, and
Why only a Clear Mind is Capable of True Affection and Caring

The most surprising Aha! moments come when we realize that something we have been absolutely sure about is completely untrue. Like a sudden ray of light into darkness we realize a new and liberating facet of truth. This can be the case when we gain some insight into the extremely common confusion between love and attachment. We pay an extreme prize for this error, and we pay it in suffering.

Before that clarity dawns, we don’t know there can be another way. Even the dictionary tells us that attachment is another term for affection. This view is directly in conflict with the wisdom traditions. Attachment is clinging, and that is not love. Love never hurts, it is free and pristine, and attachment always must lead to pain.

Only when we can let things be the way they are do we have a clear mind. When we want things to be different than they are, we lose, because reality doesn’t care about our opinions. Only by accepting reality as it is now can we perceive the world clearly. Only when we perceive the world clearly can we be effective and caring. And only when our mind is not filled with attachment and clinging can we have an open heart. One stressful though and our heart closes. That’s inevitable!

The crucial significance of non-attachment became clear to my friend Bob when he had to take his parents to an adult living facility. There he learned a powerful lesson about what love really is.

It began with the realization that mom and dad just couldn’t live in their nice home in the suburbs any longer. Even with help in the home, it was no longer safe. Dad would fall and bruise, and he even broke his arm. Mom also couldn’t cope any longer. She’d burn food in the kitchen and could easily have set the whole house of fire. They were both in their nineties.

It was very difficult for them to say good-bye to their home. They understood the need to move, but with their mental clarity coming and going, often didn’t know what was happening to them. Eventually Bob had them settled in a very good facility and went back home. Home is 2000 miles away.

He had seen how their attachment to their home had caused his parents pain, but the real teaching came for him when he returned to check in on them two months later. He was so happy to see them, but when he walked into the door he was greeted by a deep sense of depression and despair. There was nothing either of them could find good about their new home and they let him know in no uncertain terms how unhappy they were.

That night Bob went home in despair. He felt an intense heaviness in his chest. What was he to do? Moving them back home was out of the question. He wanted to relieve their pain and change their minds, but how? He seemed to be facing a hopeless situation.

That’s when Bob remembered his skill of Inquiry. He realized that his pain did not originate from his parent’s depression, but from his reaction to it. How was he going to be able to serve them better, with his mind and emotions in turmoil, or with a clear head and an open heart? So he sat down that night, pulled out a pad and pen and began to question his thinking.

His most disturbing though was, “My parents shouldn’t have to suffer.” He began the questioning process. Could he absolutely know that this was true? Of course it was what he, as a caring son, was supposed to think. All the voices in his mind, his entire conditioning told him so. And yet the undeniable fact was that they were suffering. His thinking was on a collision course with reality. He was waging a war in his mind he could only loose.

That was when he began to realize that this sacred belief simply wasn’t true at all. He continued with the process of inquiry and described to himself in detail his reactions to believing this thought. It made him miserable. It made him crazy because he was looking so hard for a solution and there was none. It made him as depressed as his parents were.

Then he asked, “Who would I be without this thought?” He would be relaxed and have a clear mind. Would he love his parents any less? Of course not! But there was a crucial difference: without attaching himself to this untrue concept he may be able to be with them in a much better mood. And that might help them.

So Bob turned this thought around: “I shouldn’t have to suffer.” At first this seemed selfish to him, but he realized that his suffering had really nothing to do with his love for his parents. It was the outcome of attachment and confused thinking. If he didn’t suffer, but had a clear mind instead, he might even find a solution to the situation. He couldn’t imagine one, but obviously his suffering solved nothing, it wasn’t helpful to anyone. He felt a shift inside his chest.

Then there was the other turn-around: “My parents should have to suffer.” This was the hard one. Everything in his conditioned mind fought against that belief. But for now, for this moment, wasn’t it true? They were suffering and that meant they ‘should’ be suffering, until they didn’t. The extremely simple logic of this insight settled in to Bob’s mind and if was a relief.

“My parents should have to suffer” of course means nothing about a future. To project that they ‘should’ suffer in the future would be mad, and we’re working on sanity here. But to say that they shouldn’t suffer when they obviously were was just as crazy. It was as though Bob could see something in his mind straighten out, an old and confused habit of thoughts coming into a new state of clarity.

There were other stressful thoughts, and Bob worked on gaining clarity in his mind for about two hours that night. One by one he saw through all his stressful beliefs, and as they melted away in the light of truth, he felt a great sense of relief. His emotions came to peace and he slept like a baby that night.

The next morning he couldn’t wait to see mom and dad. He walked into their room refreshed, with a clear mind and with his heart wide open. And that’s when the miracle happened. Inspired by Bob’s open heart, his two old parents instantly rose out of their gloomy mood, and they all met in a great space of love. This is how they had been together at the best of times and suddenly no one could any longer find a reason why it shouldn’t be like this again.

His parents stayed in this loving mood for the whole week of Bob’s visit, and it even after Bob left, they never again fell into depression. They opened to their new surroundings, made new friends, and lived out their final days becoming more and more peaceful until a merciful reality took them into the state beyond.

Today Bob often thinks about how different that day could have been and the time that followed. We believe that when someone we love is in pain we also have to hurt and we call that compassion. But what hurts is not love. It is blind attachment; it creates more pain and it doesn’t solve any problems.

The sacred belief, “My parents shouldn’t have to suffer,” and the misunderstanding of love that it breeds, is like an archaic religion. It is delusional. There is an unalterable reality about sickness, old age and death, as the Buddha taught. Can we support those whose turn it is, instead of joining them with self-created pain?

No matter how long we have held onto a set of unquestioned beliefs, if they cause us pain, isn’t it smart to question them? If our thoughts are at odds with reality, it may be time to change our religion.

Let me invite you to find out more about the revolutionary process of inquiry, also known as The Work of Byron Katie. If you are facing the suffering of a loved one, I cannot recommend this practice strongly enough! Just like in Bob’s case it may make a profound difference in your life and theirs. For personal consultations or coaching in The Work with Ram Giri, please go here.

With love,

Ram Giri

Skills for Awakening

Question: Today I woke up confused and with many doubts. I am confused because since there is not an absolute truth, how do we know that our behaviors are correct?

Ram Giri: There is YOUR truth. Your being will know it because it is free of stress. Stress is the measurement you can use. What is stressful, whether it’s a thought, emotion or action, is not true to you. That’s why it is stressful.

Q: Are my stressful beliefs completely wrong?

RG: I don’t know.  That’s for you to explore, one by one.

Q: Is the purpose of The Work of Byron Katie to inquire reality?

RG: No, reality is what it is. Inquiry is for your thoughts about reality

Q: How will The Work free me?

RG: Inquire into a stressful thought. Find out the truth about it. That truth can set you free. That truth leads to the end of suffering.

Q: So, is there no right or wrong?

RG: In relative reality there is a very clear understanding of right and wrong. In the unified mind such distinctions do not apply. The unified mind contains and transcends the conventional mind and the way it deals with relative reality (duality).

Q: Do I need to accept the reality as it is, and not argue with it?

RG: How is arguing with reality working for you? What happens? How does it feel? How does it influence your behavior? What is the outcome? We say reality is always kinder than your story (and you war) about it. And please don’t believe anything I say. Find out for yourself if it is true for you or not.

Maggy doesn’t like her arms. They’re just too hairy. She shaves them, she waxes them and still they are always a thorn in her side. The hair on her arms is the focal point of her self-rejection.

Perhaps it’s your boss, or your first boyfriend who mistreated you, or life itself. Somewhere your unhappiness crystallizes and since it’s always been this way you see no way out.

But Maggy knows The Work of Byron Katie and has set herself free successfully of many things that have bothered her. And yet that hair issue seemed unmovable, like it just had to be there. A monolith of her suffering.

So when I asked her whether she ever thought to do The Work on that hair she looked at me stunned. This thought just had never occurred to her. It was a revelation, an epiphany!

Yes, whatever pain we have, it’s just a bunch of thoughts and feelings. It’s not the hair, it’s never the person who hurt you. It’s inside of you and there you can set yourself free.

So I invite you to look closely for what suffering may be hiding from you in clear sight.

Whatever it is, if it feels bad you can get free of it, even though your mind may say it’s impossible.

The day is past and some of us came together in a wonderful workshop, stepping out of the imprisonment of our stressful thoughts and emotions. This is how we are creating peace in this world, one mind and heart at a time.

Let me offer you a quote by Byron Katie today:

“I am the perpetrator of my suffering

– but only all of it.”

It may sound strange at first hearing, but I invite you to sit with it for a while and see if it is true for you. For me I can say that it freed me of thinking I am a victim. If I did it (and I know that to be true) then I can stop. This is the invitation to the end of pain.

One of the greatest books of the wisdom literature of this planet is the yet little known “Vasistha’s Yoga.” The following is a quote from it regarding self-inquiry and the Heart:

If one has achieved even a little bit of control over the mind by self-enquiry, such a person has attained the fruit of his life. For that self-enquiry will expand his heart.

This of course is exactly what we are doing with the Skills for Awakening. Vasistha continues:

When such enquiry is preceded by dispassion [or: detachment] and has attained stability by practice, all the noble qualities resort to it naturally. Ignorance and its retinue do not bother one who is fully established in self-enquiry and who sees what is, without distortion. When he has found his foothold in the spiritual ground, he is not overcome by the robbers known as sense-pleasures.

Practicing self-inquiry with The Work gives you that stability. You can first observe it by noticing how you react less to situations and people that used to upset you. You become calmer, more peaceful and in control of yourself. This is a control without force, a natural peacefulness and mastery. This is true knowledge. It frees us from the constant distractedness of the undisciplined mind that is craving for and running after sense pleasures. Notice that there is nothing wrong with pleasures; it is the desire for them that throws you off balance. In true peace you can enjoy whatever comes, may it be labeled ‘good’ or ‘bad’. This is dispassion, the foundation of lasting peace. In that peace the Heart can be wide open.

I hope you enjoy this, please let me know.

Ram Giri

“Everything that happens is God’s will. When you realize that, you’re home free.”
- Byron Katie

Ram Giri: Hi Katie

Byron Katie: Hi

R G: Katie, Freud once said that the most important question we need to ask is weather the universe is kind. And in my case I always believed that the universe is very harsh and unfriendly, and I know many people who live in that belief, in that world, but, through meeting you and through my own path, I’ve come to find out there are so many worlds in this world, people live in different states; some are very depressed, some are angry and are in that kind of hell and other people are in very light and happy states most or all of the time. Now when I usually ask people if they know somebody who’s truly happy in a lasting way, most people tell me they know nobody like that, well I do, and you are that person. But I also know that you lived in hell for a long time so what happened? What changed? How did you discover this world that you live in now, and what is it like?

B K: Well, I discovered that basically; when I believe my thoughts I suffer, when I don’t believe my thoughts I don’t suffer. And I’ve come to see that this is true for every human being and the way that I found that to be true is I experienced myself in an amazing moment of clarity as I lay sleeping on the floor and a cockroach crawled over my foot and in that moment, it’s like IT opened it’s eyes and it looked and it had never been born before, and it was awake, and it saw everything, it had no name, no recognition, no identification, for it or what it saw, there was nothing. And then I noticed the mind just bombarded, and in that moment laughter was born, it just rolled out because it recognized that none of the thoughts were true. And it was wisdom that could see past everything. So actually I inquired within that moment, before the thought, no problem, and then the thought comes and when we believe it, that’s where the whole world is created. And thought brought imaginary form with it and a whole world, basically.

R G: Now, the thoughts people have are so real to them, how did you discover that they weren’t, that they could be something different?

B K: Well I saw that it just wasn’t true. I saw that no thought was true so the world that it reflected wasn’t real, that it was all imagined, and then I saw from people that is was real for them like it is a chair, it is a table, it is a sky, it is a tree, and I came to see when I used to believe that also, and the I wasn’t personal and so that’s where the turnaround, you know, that isn’t true, turn it around, that is true, and it is true until we see that it’s not and questioning what we believe brings everyone to the conclusion, if they stay with it in my experience, if freedom’s what they’re looking for.

R G: Now when people begin to do the inquiry and start asking the questions often there are some other thoughts that come up that tend to sabotage the process and take us out of it, for instance, one of them is; it’s selfish to be so concerned with your own happiness, what would you answer to that?

B K: Well it’s selfish not to. You know we live our lives trying to make people happy, well we’re a people too so we try to make people happy by giving them things, by giving them our advice, our money, our sex, our bodies, etc. etc. and then we find that it’s not lasting. So if we want to know the secret then we turn it around and we begin to see what would it take to make one human being happy, so we become our own guinea pig. And for me that is questioning my thoughts, and I have a thought as simple as I wish he would send me flowers, I asked him to send me flowers and if he does, wonderful, I get what I want, but if he doesn’t I turn it around, you know, if I want the flowers why don’t I give me flowers? And then we begin to understand that it’s something else we wanted, it wasn’t just the flowers, and if it’s just the flowers then wonderful you’ve got them, who cares where get them, there they are. So we begin to become our best friend, we begin to bring us our own happiness, more importantly we become responsible for our own happiness, and we allow other people to be responsible for their own. And in the mean time if I think flowers are so wonderful and it brings me happiness why don’t I send him flowers, that way we both get happiness and I get double everything.

R G: There are all your different turnarounds there in action. What about, the thought comes up; there are just too many thoughts, I’ll never see the end of it?

B K: I would just question it, there are just too many thoughts you’ll never see the end of it, is that true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you rationally believe that thought? One way we react is we become hopeless, our shoulders become heavy, we begin to slouch, we sit down, we become depressed, and we become that thought; hopeless. And then the fourth question; who would I be without that thought? I’d be doing my work, I’d be doing my inner work, I’d be setting me free from the thought system that I’m believing in the moment. And the turnaround; there are too many thoughts, it’s hopeless; there are not too many, it’s not hopeless, and that could be just as true and what I’ve come to see is that there are not too many, there is the perfect amount. And who cares about all those thoughts, just the one we’re stuck in, let’s just work with that.

R G: One situation that can happen is you’re doing the inquiry and everything is going good and then suddenly there’s just a conviction that says there’s something you need and off you are. And the whole practice you just started is forgotten.

B K: That’s ok, we believe our thoughts or we question them there’s no other choice and if a person believes their thoughts which is to say they’re having a wonderful life then good and if a person is not having a wonderful life than I invite them to question their thoughts and break the spell. Wake them up.

R G: Another thought that can sabotage us is the thought in its different permutations that there’s something missing in me, something is lacking in me so why even try?

B K: Yeah, and of course I would really question that, there’s something lacking in me is it true? And walk it all the way through. There’s nothing lacking it’s just all the answers that give us this wisdom that is such a profound difference in our lives, it wakes us up. So we all have equal wisdom no one has more than anyone else and the work is the way to tap into that. So it’s not hopeless if a person taps into it.

R G: How is it that we all have equal wisdom?

B K: We just do. The way I’ve come to understand it is I didn’t have a teacher, I didn’t have religion, I had no background. I like to say my religion was my children should pick up their socks and I was devoted to it and there was a great deal of punishment meaded out when they did not comply with what I believed to be their own best interest and welfare. So it was a very cruel world if you were one of my children and it was very cruel for me also because to hurt my children through word or act is how I hurt me, but it was a cycle I had no way to escape. I was simply believing my thoughts.

R G: So you believed your thoughts and you’re saying by simply questioning your thoughts your whole family, your world changed?

B K: Yes, I questioned my thoughts and my world changed, it put me in a kind universe and that’s how I decided that the universe is kind. I kept coming back to that kind universe and all of the proof. I couldn’t prove the unkind universe, that’s what keeps mind busy, proving the universe is unkind, that’s the mind’s job; to show us the universe is unkind, but when we begin to question that then all the real evidence is; the world is kind and I invite people to test it.

R G: Now one of the thoughts that come up when we do the work is that it doesn’t work because sometimes that can be our experience.

B K: The work isn’t anything, so it can’t work, it doesn’t work, it’s four questions and a turnaround but the answers, the answers that surface as the person answers those questions that’s where the enlightenment comes from. From within.

R G: Then how would you tell people to deal with the thought; I’m missing something?

B K: To question it, and turn it around and then test it, for example, you’ve walked through all four questions and then I’m missing something, turn it around, I’m not missing something. And then to look at your universe and find the proof of that, to test it; I look around and I didn’t want a table, I didn’t think of it and here it is and my friend Christian, my goodness, and Stephen, and here we all are that’s an amazing universe but if I’m focused on what should be in the space that’s not I miss what’s in the space. So my mind is totally away doing some trip and I’m missing the universe that is not only kind, but actually overly generous. In fact, unlimitedly so.

R G: One of the things that touched me particularly that I’m always remembering, it’s very helpful to me, is that you said when people ask you, are you enlightened? I heard you answer; “well, I wouldn’t know anything about that, I became enlightened to what hurts and what doesn’t hurt”

B K: Yes

R G: And I find about myself that often I’m not clear on that. How do we really come to know what hurts?

B K: Well feelings let us know, the physical body lets us know. And the other thing you mentioned, people say am I enlightened? Well how would I know? But I know what freedom is, that I know, enlightened I have no thought to, freedom I do, and when we’re free there’s no problem and that’s a very friendly universe to live in, I love this planet.

R G: So what is freedom?

B K: Freedom is no care in the world. The only care is how can I help? It’s a natural state and there’s no investment in it, I wouldn’t be helping for your own good it’s a mindless thing the way kindness operates, that’s it’s system, that’s it’s nature how can I help? And you would be the judge whether it helps or not, but I am the judge of my kind nature without thought to it, it’s the way of it.

R G: If that’s freedom, what is happiness Katie?

B K: Happiness is balance. This woman today in the audience said that after the session we were working on when I fall I love the trip and I kiss the cement, and how do I know that it’s time to kiss the cement I’m kissing it, I’m there. We were playing around like that is what is absolutely true in my experience and then she leaves the session and she falls and she rips her pants, and she skins her knee, and she hit’s the cement and all of this, and she says “I wasn’t opposed to it, after the session it happened and I wasn’t opposed to it” basically she was absolutely OK with it but she said that she didn’t love it. And I just loved that because that’s love, that’s loving what is. It’s not this ecstatic “oh I love the cement!” it’s just this natural connection with everything, this unity, this dearness, where you fall, you rip your pants, you  break your knee open, your head hits and you just don’t mind because there’s nothing uncomfortable about it, in fact it’s amazing to realize that you don’t dislike it and to me that’s freedom.

R G: So it sounds like the basic recipe is  just ot completely show up in the moment without a thought that anything should be different than it is.

B K: Yes, and that’s the end of the war with what is.

R G: Well, thank you Katie

B K: You are so welcome, I love that this serves

R G: Is there anything else that you’d like to add

B K: Just that I love you and appreciate you and am grateful

R G: I would like to ask you for something that I could put on the website

B K: Ram Giri is devoted

R G: That’s it? You are short and sweet

B K: Ram Giri is devoted to love, to what works, and peace, and all the people on this earth

- Ram Giri Braun

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