How to Rise Above the Pain of Attachment to Find Love, and
Why only a Clear Mind is Capable of True Affection and Caring

The most surprising Aha! moments come when we realize that something we have been absolutely sure about is completely untrue. Like a sudden ray of light into darkness we realize a new and liberating facet of truth. This can be the case when we gain some insight into the extremely common confusion between love and attachment. We pay an extreme prize for this error, and we pay it in suffering.

Before that clarity dawns, we don’t know there can be another way. Even the dictionary tells us that attachment is another term for affection. This view is directly in conflict with the wisdom traditions. Attachment is clinging, and that is not love. Love never hurts, it is free and pristine, and attachment always must lead to pain.

Only when we can let things be the way they are do we have a clear mind. When we want things to be different than they are, we lose, because reality doesn’t care about our opinions. Only by accepting reality as it is now can we perceive the world clearly. Only when we perceive the world clearly can we be effective and caring. And only when our mind is not filled with attachment and clinging can we have an open heart. One stressful though and our heart closes. That’s inevitable!

The crucial significance of non-attachment became clear to my friend Bob when he had to take his parents to an adult living facility. There he learned a powerful lesson about what love really is.

It began with the realization that mom and dad just couldn’t live in their nice home in the suburbs any longer. Even with help in the home, it was no longer safe. Dad would fall and bruise, and he even broke his arm. Mom also couldn’t cope any longer. She’d burn food in the kitchen and could easily have set the whole house of fire. They were both in their nineties.

It was very difficult for them to say good-bye to their home. They understood the need to move, but with their mental clarity coming and going, often didn’t know what was happening to them. Eventually Bob had them settled in a very good facility and went back home. Home is 2000 miles away.

He had seen how their attachment to their home had caused his parents pain, but the real teaching came for him when he returned to check in on them two months later. He was so happy to see them, but when he walked into the door he was greeted by a deep sense of depression and despair. There was nothing either of them could find good about their new home and they let him know in no uncertain terms how unhappy they were.

That night Bob went home in despair. He felt an intense heaviness in his chest. What was he to do? Moving them back home was out of the question. He wanted to relieve their pain and change their minds, but how? He seemed to be facing a hopeless situation.

That’s when Bob remembered his skill of Inquiry. He realized that his pain did not originate from his parent’s depression, but from his reaction to it. How was he going to be able to serve them better, with his mind and emotions in turmoil, or with a clear head and an open heart? So he sat down that night, pulled out a pad and pen and began to question his thinking.

His most disturbing though was, “My parents shouldn’t have to suffer.” He began the questioning process. Could he absolutely know that this was true? Of course it was what he, as a caring son, was supposed to think. All the voices in his mind, his entire conditioning told him so. And yet the undeniable fact was that they were suffering. His thinking was on a collision course with reality. He was waging a war in his mind he could only loose.

That was when he began to realize that this sacred belief simply wasn’t true at all. He continued with the process of inquiry and described to himself in detail his reactions to believing this thought. It made him miserable. It made him crazy because he was looking so hard for a solution and there was none. It made him as depressed as his parents were.

Then he asked, “Who would I be without this thought?” He would be relaxed and have a clear mind. Would he love his parents any less? Of course not! But there was a crucial difference: without attaching himself to this untrue concept he may be able to be with them in a much better mood. And that might help them.

So Bob turned this thought around: “I shouldn’t have to suffer.” At first this seemed selfish to him, but he realized that his suffering had really nothing to do with his love for his parents. It was the outcome of attachment and confused thinking. If he didn’t suffer, but had a clear mind instead, he might even find a solution to the situation. He couldn’t imagine one, but obviously his suffering solved nothing, it wasn’t helpful to anyone. He felt a shift inside his chest.

Then there was the other turn-around: “My parents should have to suffer.” This was the hard one. Everything in his conditioned mind fought against that belief. But for now, for this moment, wasn’t it true? They were suffering and that meant they ‘should’ be suffering, until they didn’t. The extremely simple logic of this insight settled in to Bob’s mind and if was a relief.

“My parents should have to suffer” of course means nothing about a future. To project that they ‘should’ suffer in the future would be mad, and we’re working on sanity here. But to say that they shouldn’t suffer when they obviously were was just as crazy. It was as though Bob could see something in his mind straighten out, an old and confused habit of thoughts coming into a new state of clarity.

There were other stressful thoughts, and Bob worked on gaining clarity in his mind for about two hours that night. One by one he saw through all his stressful beliefs, and as they melted away in the light of truth, he felt a great sense of relief. His emotions came to peace and he slept like a baby that night.

The next morning he couldn’t wait to see mom and dad. He walked into their room refreshed, with a clear mind and with his heart wide open. And that’s when the miracle happened. Inspired by Bob’s open heart, his two old parents instantly rose out of their gloomy mood, and they all met in a great space of love. This is how they had been together at the best of times and suddenly no one could any longer find a reason why it shouldn’t be like this again.

His parents stayed in this loving mood for the whole week of Bob’s visit, and it even after Bob left, they never again fell into depression. They opened to their new surroundings, made new friends, and lived out their final days becoming more and more peaceful until a merciful reality took them into the state beyond.

Today Bob often thinks about how different that day could have been and the time that followed. We believe that when someone we love is in pain we also have to hurt and we call that compassion. But what hurts is not love. It is blind attachment; it creates more pain and it doesn’t solve any problems.

The sacred belief, “My parents shouldn’t have to suffer,” and the misunderstanding of love that it breeds, is like an archaic religion. It is delusional. There is an unalterable reality about sickness, old age and death, as the Buddha taught. Can we support those whose turn it is, instead of joining them with self-created pain?

No matter how long we have held onto a set of unquestioned beliefs, if they cause us pain, isn’t it smart to question them? If our thoughts are at odds with reality, it may be time to change our religion.

Let me invite you to find out more about the revolutionary process of inquiry, also known as The Work of Byron Katie. If you are facing the suffering of a loved one, I cannot recommend this practice strongly enough! Just like in Bob’s case it may make a profound difference in your life and theirs. For personal consultations or coaching in The Work with Ram Giri, please go here.

With love,

Ram Giri

Skills for Awakening

I like checking the Skills for Awakening against a variety of other wisdom traditions. What I find, time and again, is that this thoroughly contemporary approach is really the pure practical essence of what the wisdom traditions teach. It represents the practice of the liberation from suffering without all the trappings of foreign cultures and times. It is for us, and it works.

The following is a quote from a Tibetan work, detailing exactly what our Skills approach says: identify the thought or feeling that causes stress and apply the antidote: The Work for thoughts and Open Attention for feelings. Face them, set them free – and as you do, you increasingly build a habit of the opposite positive qualities (here: fearlessness). This is the process of removing obstructions and building the qualities of a pure existence. As you do that, grace will create the deeper transformation of enlightenment. Here is the quote:

Fear and Fearlessness.
Perhaps the first reaction we have to our own suffering is fear. Fear arises in us almost automatically when we experience strong emotions or pain. We don’t have to sit there and generate fear–it just arises. When we experience a disturbing emotion such as jealousy we think, “No, I don’t want this.” We would rather not experience it. However, if we examine fear closely, we see that it is a thought to which we have been habituating our mind for a very long time. We have repeated this thought pattern of fear for many years, and from a Buddhist point of view, many lifetimes.

In just the same way, when we habituate our minds to being fearless, to being brave and open towards our emotions, fearlessness will also arise naturally. In order for this to happen, we must train in applying antidotes to our thought patterns that are caught up in fear. In this way, we transcend fear first through a conceptual process, which later becomes nonconceptual, a natural fearlessness. In order to become fearless in this way, we need determination and the willingness to face our emotions. With that strong determination and courage, fearlessness will arise effortlessly.

–from Trainings in Compassion: Manuals on the Meditation of Avalokiteshvara trans. by Tyler Dewar under the guidance of The Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche

You would never do this to yourself consciously. You, like everyone else, do not like to suffer. And yet, you, like everybody else, are sometimes subjected to the hidden force of self-sabotage.

Committing yourself to a practice to awaken to your higher potential and to end the pain in your life is a sure way to activate this unconscious process. If you don’t want to fall prey to it, it is necessary to take a close look at the forces that will fight to maintain the status quo, that want to make sure your old level of pain is maintained. These are two-fold, the fear of change and the pain body.

Fear of Change

The unknown scares us, even when what is unknown is happiness or peace. Imagine living permanently in true freedom and joy. It would be like living in a different world, wouldn’t it? And stepping out of the zone of our habitual way of life can be very scary. When that fear arises we are likely to do something to prevent us from changing.

The Pain Body

The pain body is our unconscious tendency to cling to that part of our identity that is used to pain. “Who would I be without my pain?” is a difficult question for many to answer. We’re just so used to our difficulties.

Who hasn’t had the thought during very happy times, “This is too good to last!” who hasn’t noticed repetitive patterns of self-inflicted suffering? This is how we unconsciously call back our discomfort and do something that brings us pain. (You can read more about it here: http://skillsforawakening.com/teachings/the-pain-body/)

We create our own reality through our thinking and our emotional patterns. Unless we change them, the same problems are likely to happen again and again, including our tendency to self-sabotage. This is how we can stay stuck for a long time.

When you make the decision to take your life onto a higher level of functioning, the unconscious force of self-sabotage rears its head. It can come in many forms, all of them appearing completely convincing: You have no money, no time for it, the effort is too much trouble, or you get yourself distracted. Although these may be untrue pain body manifestations, they appear completely compelling to you.

Even more difficult to see are self-sabotage events that appear to come from outside: external interferences, family objections, accidents, illness, a sudden increase in problems or outright chaos and more can all be the outcome of your unconscious desire to reject your impulse to improve your life.

Some interesting self-sabotage events are completely unforeseeable events that interfere with your life. Most people would not ever suspect that such events can be brought on by their own subconscious – until such events repeat themselves at similar junctions in life. There are also what I call ‘metaphysical delusions,’ the conviction that grace will take care of you, that all is really fine, or that no action on your part is necessary. The truth of course is that grace comes to us in exact proportion to self-effort.

The resolution to this challenge comes when our fear of change and self-delusion gives way to the will and courage to change. This happens when our yearning to experience the true freedom of liberation from suffering has become stronger than the old habits of interference.

How does that happen? This inner maturing can be accomplished by two forces: by suffering and by a decision to do what is necessary to reach this freedom, aided by a deep yearning or desire for it. Yes, we have a choice here: if we are able to make the decision to free ourselves proactively from the inner obstructions, we can avoid the necessity for suffering to give us this motivation.

When we are thus no longer fully subjected to our pain body and the fear of change, we arrive at a true commitment to our freedom. This gives us the ability to listen to our internal wisdom and to follow the Heart, our inborn ability for self-love. It empties us of the small self, the contraction of the fear-based aspects of ego, and opens us to the astounding presence of the Higher Self. This alone is true freedom.

Namaste,

Ram Giri

It’s coming around again, this Saturday. Already many people are feeling it – a certain discomfort, anger, perhaps helplessness. And definitely fear. Since 9/11 the thought “Something terrible is going to happen” has become the inaudible but deafening mantra in the collective mind. How is it going to change?

How are we/you going to feel safe again and at peace?

It is up to us, to everyone of us.

Let’s take you, what can you do? Unable to face down bin Laden, what can you do? You can put the internal terrorist out of business.

Let’s talk about that for the rest of the week – and if you live in South Florida, you may want to come to our afternoon Seminar on the topic in Key Biscayne (more here: http://skillsforawakening.com/events/)

So what can you do? You can recognize that

• fear is not caused by outer events
• fear and all other stressful emotions arise as a result of our internal reactions to outer events
• events happen. How we react to them is up to us!
• you can overcome fear by investigating the thoughts that create it
• when you find a deeper truth (which is now hidden by your unquestioned stressful beliefs) the fear dissolves.

This is a simple process AND in practice it can get a bit confusing. That is because it takes us into thinking we are just not yet familiar with. This possible confusion however will give birth to clarity and freedom from fear.

Are you up to it?

I invite you to examine this core thought “Something terrible is going to happen.” We’ll walk with each other through this in the next days, looking for a deeper truth that will set us free of the inner terrorist.

See you tomorrow,

Ram Giri

We think of it as inevitable, but that is not true. Suffering arises in the unquestioned mind and spreads from there. It is an ingrained habit, no more. And we can change habits.

Our thoughts run into the past and the future, imagining what was and could go wrong. Observe it. These regrets and worries are not ‘problem solving’, they are ‘problem creating’. They are the habit of old and future pain. None of it is real. One, the future, has not yet happened, the other, the past, is over.

What is real is the Now. Can you be here for it? And when you are, look, what is there to worry? And what old hurt would you voluntarily carry there?

Yes, suffering is an ingrained habit. Let’s change it. That’s how we become part of the change we want to see in the world.

For more go to: http://skillsforawakening.com/teachings/#03

We don’t want to suffer. So what do we need to do when it comes, small or big? Grin and bear it? Hope for a better world after we die? All that has been tried. I prefer to end suffering.

Many voices that will tell you it’s impossible, that suffering is part of life. But not so fast! There are after all people who are free of it. These accomplished beings among us are showing us the way. The fact is, if just one person can do it, we all have that same potential. It may take us awhile to get there (or not), but what’s the alternative? Continue to suffer. (Not good.)

And if the Buddhists are right, we have done it since beginningless time. (Not good at all!)

So if we look closely at suffering we see that it arises in us. We need to fix it there, rather than trying to change the world so it won’t offend us. We’ve tried that for thousands of years and it hasn’t worked so well.

Let’s do it together, day by day. I will give you tips in these blog posts. Please let me know how it goes for you, give me your questions and problems and I will try to answer and respond as best I can. We’re in this together. Let’s walk this amazing road to the end of pain!

For more go to: http://skillsforawakening.com/challenges/3-causes-of-suffering-and-their-remedies/

Most of us cannot even relate to this language – ‘Self-Love,’ it sounds like narcissism, like self-indulgence, somehow over the top and too much. And yet, when we look at its pure manifestation, it is the most important quality we can develop.

In truth most of us are rather removed from loving ourselves much of the time. We are in too much tension. We are burdened by conflicts and stress and there is an inner dialogue going on that does not let us relax. We are our worst critics and we rarely give ourselves a break.

If this describes you at least some of the time, ask your self, “How is it working for me?”

It’s a revealing question because it is not judgmental. It just invites an observation, a greater awareness of what works and what doesn’t. And if the way you have been conducting some of your life doesn’t work – change it.

That is where Self-Love comes in. Do you deserve to be happy? Please don’t answer this question so quickly. I know you want to say Yes, but look at your behavior, look at the way you have been treating yourself in those parts of life that are not easy for you: has it been an expression of Self-Love?

Are there areas in your life where you could be kinder to you? Where you could open yourself to a greater love than you have known? Go there. Pay attention to these aspects of your existence. These parts of you are like children starving for love.

You can use this imagery: is there a little boy or girl self in you that has his or her needs not met? This is true for most everyone and usually we try to ignore this inner need. It’s unpleasant to deal with and so we choose to lose ourselves in distractions.

But have you noticed, this inner voice will persist. And it’s better to listen to it now, before it grows a cancer or manifests in some other great conflict that cannot be overlooked.

You have the choice – make it now. There are so many ways to love. But how can you love if your heart is not open to you? Only as much as you love yourself can you love others and allow yourself to be loved.

It starts with a decision we have to repeat often at deeper and deeper levels of our being. A decision to do whatever it takes to gain freedom from the conditioning of old pain. This decision opens the door so we can remove what stands in the way of love, our stressful thoughts and emotions. And as we clear them, this inner well of infinite goodness, the Heart, opens and we can drink from it and its life-giving nectar can flow from us into the world.

We will become a light in this world, an increasingly awakened being, no longer conditioned by the inheritance of fear. Being love leads to giving love and giving love leads to receiving love. And the cycles of stress and fear are transformed into the ability to live and express what we truly are in the core of our being: pure love.

It is beckoning you. Will you listen? Will you do the work of clearing the conditioning of fear that keeps you in stress? Take a step today and another tomorrow and gradually but inevitably you will come to know the infinite source of love in your heart. It is the heart of God, your heart, the pulsing, alive core of your universe. It is calling to you to come to know your true Self.

And how can you do it? Associate with those in whom this flame of love burns brightly. Love and devotion are passed on this way, person to person, in a deep and fulfilling relationship where trust can build and the kind of friendship that can last for life times.

There are teachers like that. Seek them out, for that is the fastest way to get to know you. Love and let yourself be loved and all other things will fall into place. As the sun in your heart rises, all the shadows will dissipate. This sun is already rising.

I shared with you this recent experience of finding myself in the Assembly of Sages (see my last post: http://blog.skillsforawakening.com/blog/the-true-meaning-of-guru). It is still with me every hour of each day. Amazing how a 3 minute vision, sitting in front of my computer with my eyes closed, can change my life! It shows me that the most sacred space is within. Let’s meet there, you and I!

If you’re open, it is awe-inspiring to be in the presence of an enlightened being. I’ve had the grace of this experience repeatedly in this life and I speak of it with the greatest reverence. I share it with you because it is rare and extremely important – how else are we going to know what each and every one of us is capable of?

Now imagine being in the presence of a large group of such beings! It is not possible to put into words being with one – how much more impossible to describe many! It is impossible because by definition the awareness of a realized being is transcendent, surpassing the realm of words and of concepts.

But it does not surpass the realm of the Heart. Indeed it enlarges it for us. (That is why it is so transformative to read and hear about the lives of the Saints). And  – call me a fool – although words cannot describe what I am about say, I will try anyway.

I stood in front of this large group of enlightened beings. My awareness was riveted on them. I forgot myself for a moment and I saw in this expanse of light before me how they were bathed in a transcendent joy, a lightness of being that was extraordinary.

I realized they did not take their individual existence for real. Yes, they were distinctly separate beings – on the outside. But internally I could ‘see’ the awareness of the One shining through. The One reality, the One divine presence, the absolute simplicity and truth of our Being.

This sublime awareness shimmered in their presence. It was a visible essence, expressed by the profound joy that emanated from this group of sacred beings. They lived in a state of internal bliss, which left them free to appear as ordinary as any of us on the outside – but internally, what a difference!

Perhaps you can get a taste of this experience, now as you read about it, or as you recall it later. This is how blessings of the Heart spread. They spread through stories, from one open Heart to the next. So perhaps this vision can become yours too, just by the telling and hearing of it.

This is one of the ways how love spreads.

As soon as the word ‘guru’ entered the Western world it was misunderstood. Although we have a perfect example of what the word means in the figure of Jesus, we still could not understand it.

And so we reduced it and reduced it until now everyone who knows (or pretends to know) anything can call himself a guru. You can be a diet guru, a wall street guru, and internet guru, and so on. So that’s where we are now.

But let’s go back to the original meaning. Let’s try to get a glimpse of what a real guru might be. To illustrate I want to tell you what just happened to me yesterday.

I had the grace to be given an amazing experience and I am still in the grip of it. I hope I can put it into words to do it justice. Knowing the limitation of words, I most likely can’t. But you can make your own movie of it…

(Why in the world am I telling you this? Because an internal voice is urging me to, so I have no choice. It’s always a little scary to make such very personal experiences public. Are people going to think I am crazy? Oh well, they will think what they think.)

In a moment of – you may call it daydreaming – I saw myself go through a door and enter a vast space where I encountered an ‘assembly of sages’. I’ve seen pictures of such assemblies before, particularly on Tibetan scrolls, and I’ve read about such things in the Indian literature. But I had never seen such a thing.

It was breath-taking. There, in front of me, arranged in a semi circle were perhaps 80 or so completely free beings. I felt their presence. It elevated me. It made me feel light and free myself. But mostly I was in awe.

Then, on the left, I saw my guru (Neemkaroli Baba, Maharajji) walk toward me. Meeting him in a vision or dream is always an extraordinary experience. It is like meeting the deepest part of me, the very core of my heart come to life.

He came close and we stood side by side as the sages looked on. For a moment, being so close to him, I felt the difference between us. I stood there with my usual fears and hang-ups and self-doubt, feeling a sense of insecurity, a subtle anxiety and timidity. In other words, all my insufficiencies, that I usually hide so well, came to the surface.

He on the other hand was solid as a rock. No, I should say he was solid as the center of the earth. That’s how I have always known him. Solid, radiating complete unconditional love and completely present for me.

He was and is the perfect mirror for me. With him I get to see my challenges as well as what I really am, which, in the end, is no other than him.

And then the most amazing thing happened. He touched me with the side of his body and I felt all this anxiety and fear and self-doubt leaving me. It was being physically pushed out of my being. And in the place of it came the feeling I had of him, this complete loving solidity, which is also completely transcendent.

In other words, he exchanged my fear for his love, my self-doubt for his complete security, my shaky self-sense for his power of heart. I felt as if I was being remade that moment, as if the old self with its problems was being exchanged for a new model.

Just like that.

I was completely passive in that. There was nothing for me to do. I stood there, in front of this assembly of sages, like a new-born creature – and then they did it too. They too gave me a part of their being. They too freed me of a part of myself that was never true. What a gift. I am still stunned.

Now, of course I’m back in my ordinary everyday state of mind. And I’m wondering: who am I now? I don’t feel very different – but no, that’s not true. I’ve noticed that I am less prone to believe my own mind.

I can see my ‘stuff’ more clearly, my anxiety, my shakiness, the way I tend to depress myself. These old habits that used to repeat themselves quite automatically are more visible now and with that I am giving them less power. When I don’t believe my own story of how bad things are – well, then they just aren’t that bad.

This is an example of the love, power and grace of a true guru. Since it just happened yesterday, I am sure I will keep finding out the effect it has on me for quite some time.

One thing I know: my gratitude is enormous. And that in itself is an amazing gift.

I want for you ( – if you want that) to have an experience of such a being, of such closeness and grace. Perhaps it is Jesus for you. But it could be any sacred being that you have an affinity with. There is no competition among the liberated. Freedom is freedom and true love is true love. And they exist only to share it with us.

Just get them ‘out of the books’. They are not a story of who once lived here. They are alive today. They are available to us. They simply wait until we notice, until we are awake enough so we enter this sacred relationship they offer to us.

And you have it in you, this grace; we all do. We’re just usually too busy to become still and to listen and feel inside. When you do, you may discover wondrous things. You may discover a whole world of love.