The Inability to Love

Posted on September 11, 2012


> Question: “I am completely out of touch with my feelings, specially Love.

I have been doing much spiritual practices for the last 3 years and the one thing I can’t grow is Love. My heart is practically dead. I fear that if I love, nobody will love me… like what happened to me before…

I tried your HeartSourcing meditation a few times with no trace of that sacred spot. What can I do? I value Love as the most important thing on this planet. I think I need to go into a daily practice of some sort to open up the heart center.”

Ram-Giri: First it’s good you notice that you’re out of touch with your feelings. That’s the first step toward improvement, toward the ability to love. And it’s important to know the feelings ARE there, especially your ability to feel love, you’re just disconnected from them. That can be changed.

Also: you don’t have to “grow” love because you ARE love in your core. Love is not an emotion; it is the essence of the soul, the emanation of spirit. It is what you are. To find that is the purpose of all spiritual practice.

Whenever the heart is open, you live in the Now. And as the great Ramana  Maharshi said, “Enlightenment is to dissolve the mind into the heart.”

The times when you have felt love, even for an instant, are calling you now to this great adventure of turning inward. I know you have had such moments, because love attracts you, it is important to you. Remember these experiences; they are the way God (in you) calls you home to yourself. These precious moments are important signposts on the way, helping you not to get lost.

When you know the direction of your journey—inward—then you can proceed most quickly by removing the obstacles that don’t allow you to access the heart. Like a triple wall around the heart, these obstacles are:

  1. a distracted, anxious, or dull mind,
  2. specific stressful thoughts and beliefs, and
  3. the negative emotions these thoughts create.

There are specific practices to clear the mind so that you can have access to the heart. A distracted and worried mind calls for stillness and meditation. Imagine your mind like a glass full of muddy water. When you let it sit still, the mud settles out and the water becomes clear.

You can free yourself of specific stressful thoughts about people, situations or yourself most quickly with The Work of Byron Katie, a way to investigate your thinking that shifts you into the non-dual mind.

Negative emotions, such as anger, fear, sadness and so on are not threats, even though we react to them instinctively as though they were. We need to recognize them as parts of us that need help, which makes a positive, healing approach possible. This is Open Attention.

Because of past painful experiences and the fear that they may happen again in the future you have disconnected from your emotions. Instead there may be a dead feeling around the heart. But your innermost essence, the Self in the cave of the heart, cannot die. It’s fine and your challenge is to find that out.

Love is its own fullness. It is independent and powerful. It needs no one, but can rejoice in having a mirror for itself in all other people. There is no limit to how much you can love, but if you’re afraid no one will love you back, then you are dealing with neediness, not love. It’s a misunderstanding.

When we look in other people for the Source that is in us, we cannot find it there. The source is IN YOU. That is fundamental. You’re not dependent for love on anyone who can then leave, abandon or hurt you.

Investigate your thoughts of abandonment and old hurts, as well as beliefs like “I’m unlovable,” etc. These are lies we have believed for far too long. But as long as we mistake them for the truth, they cause us enormous pain.

One thing that is fundamentally important for all spiritual seekers is Satsang, or the community of kindred souls. Satsang is a laboratory for love, understanding and kindness that we all need. So surround yourself with people who have what you are seeking.

To practice HeartSourcing, ask yourself: “Is there anything I love or have loved?” Be still, it will come to you.

Once it does, let it touch you. Notice how that feels in the body, where the sensation arises. Notice also if any fear or tension or stressful thoughts co-arise with it. If they do, practice Open Attention and The Work along with HeartSourcing to dissolve the power these obstacles have over you. (See my website for practice instructions).

And be patient. To discover your inherent presence of love is great and rewarding work. As you say, it is the most important thing on this planet, so be determined to find it and you will. With patience and regular practice you will succeed.


and the Skills for Awakening team


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Responses to “The Inability to Love”

  1. Zuleika
    Sep 13, 2012

    Wow!!! I loved it- thank you so much!

  2. Ahmed
    Dec 03, 2012

    Interesting stuff…I believe that having control over love is key to personal freedom, in other words, if we forget about how we was programed to believe that love is not a choice; we then know what love really is.

Leave a Reply